My Crazy Cow

Things change... people change. People you thought were your friends are not anymore. A person that you respected as one with high standards is behaving as any other average woman/man. Even oneself, long ago sure of what you were doing, is confused and lost. You even begin questioning your purpose...

At this point in my life a lot of changes have been transcending. And I'm trying to cope with all of them at the same time. Maybe that's why it seems so hard. Besides, one of those changes ("possible change" because it hasn't occurred yet... but it can) may be so huge that my life as I know it may change beyond recognition.

Anyways... I'll be back later for more complaints... and stuff.

Wow! I just finished reading my blog and I realized that I had forgotten a lot of things (and that I complain a lot). I also noticed that a lot of the thoughts I have written haven't changed at all since then. So , here I am, ready to "purge my soul" again.

Today, I don't want to talk about work or social issues. Believe me, there's a lot to talk about those, but I just can't take my mind off of some recent events that have transpired. I won't talk about those events either. What then I want to talk about? I want to share my thoughts on those issues. (Alert: Now I start my whines, bwahahahaha)

I feel bad about myself and the things that pop in my mind lately. And by "lately" I mean this last couple of months. I have always known that I don't know what I really want... eerr... okay. I don't know what I want from a relationship, for example. For much of the time I just make my choices depending of what I want at the moment, but that doesn't mean that I'll still want it later. You can compare my "wanting choice" to a pendulum: one day I may want something, and don't even care about it the next. That's a lot of trouble when it comes to choosing a partner, specially if you want one for life. I blame myself for the failure of all my past relationships. It's always the same story: we start oh so in love, we go like that for like a year (more or less), then comes problems, I get tired but she doesn't. So... I break the relationship because I don't feel the same way and she ends wondering what the heck happened ("Everything was ok, what did I do?" is a common question).

Well, lately (I think) the pendulum is about to swing to the other side (if it hasn't already). I've been having problems with my girlfriend (like she doesn't feel loved, or I don't, or we start fighting for simple things, etc.). I start to think that it would be easier for both of us if it was over. But then again, sometimes I feel that I couldn't live without her. Then I start to question either is because I love her or because I'm used to be with her. And then I begin to hate myself for thinking like that. Finally, I end up in a confusion so... confusing?... that I don't really know what to do or what I want.

When our relationship began almost three years ago, I warned her that if for any reason this was going nowhere, it was going to be my fault at the end. Why? Because I know myself. But I also told her that if this relationship ended, then it means that I wasn't made for this, and that hurts me a lot. Why, again? Because, call me old-fashioned if you want, I have always believed on life-long relationships. Since I was a little kid I have always wanted to get married someday. And the fact that I can't stay on a relationship for more than three years is frustrating.

Oh! If you want, you can include here the other issue in my head. The feelings of hate and/or love I have been developing for another person(s) (I'm been non-specific here.) It's eating my insides and doesn't let me sleep. But this, my friend, is for another ocassion.

If you have read all the way down here, I congratulate you for your pacience, and I thank you for "listening". I just hope that you are not going through something similar, and if you do... I hope that all goes well.

Yes... I'm alive... still. I know that you know that I'm not an Internet fan, ergo everytime I was online it was so hard to come here and write. Well, at least I did it after all. So... here I am, at it again.

A lot has happened since my last post. I started working at another Music Institute after the first one closed (the school "didn't have funds" so they eliminated the one thing that they considered expendable: music and art). I got tired of GameStop and resigned, but the manager asked me to return for Christmas season. I said yes mainly because of two simple reasons: 1)HE asked me... you know... ignored his pride and asked me. (That felt SOOO GOOOOOOD!) and 2)Employ discount! Specially when I was planning on buying a Nintendo Wii with three games and a second controller. A lot of savings right there. Oh, and by the way, it's a great console.

My semester was a good one. I liked my classes and I aced them all (I think...). I met a lot of great people and made some new friends. Also, this was my first semester as part of the Collegium Musicum, playing the recorder (medieval flute). Today was our last concert of the year and, after a lot of practice everything went smoothly. Now to wait for next year.

Well, changing the subject...

I've been kind of upset lately. A lot to think about. How people see me, how they deal with me, and what they expect of me... Things like this have been around my head this past week. Some people don't respect me while others just ignore me. They see me as a weak person. One thing that got me madder was the fact that a lot of those people had that impression of me and dealt with me like that the very first time we met. They didn't know me! And they didn't care to know me because their bad misconception of me was enough to blur their judgement.

And what about what people expect of me? This Sunday I had a bad day. A friend of mine is going on a... let's say "passing of age ritual". Don't misunderstand me, it's a good thing. It's supposed to be voluntarily. All of my friends went through it all. You can say I'm the only one left, but I'm still thinking about it. The thing is, while we were waiting for him, everyone started asking me when I was going. They put me on the spotlight... everyone was waiting for my answer. I said the truth (still thinking about it). Everyone said that it wasn't something you think about, that you just do it, that it was good for me... blah blah blah... Well, it annoyed me, but I kept it inside. But after the same thing happened every time another person arrived (like five times), it just got on my nerves! The last time they asked, I just said: "I'm NOT gonna do it! I don't wanna go! And it's not your problem!". They are good people, but I just realized that sometimes I do things or say things to please other people (other's opinions matter to much to me), and I stopped doing it at that very moment. I know they felt awkward, but they asked for it.

After that, I started doing what I wanted. After a lousy day I just wanted to see my girlfriend and play Wii. At least those two don't judge me, I thought. But my grilfriend changed my plans and I was mad again. I arrived at her home but didn't go right in. I took a walk to calm myself, watching the neighbor's Christmas lights on their fronts, and then I went in. After minutes of silence (she noticed my straight face), and without she asking me what was wrong, she started reading a book! I was upset already, and that didn't help, but it wasn't something to be mad at her. Minutes went by and nothing changed and I began to question why I was there doing nothing. Then I decided to do what I wanted (no mattered what others think of me [including my girlfriend]). I just opened the door, went to my car, and without saying good bye I was on my way home at last. She thinks I was upset with her, but actually I was upset with myself and others. So I preferred to be alone and "yell/scream/cry it out".

Since then I have said what I think and what I want no matter what others think of me. It's kind of refreshing... but it still hurts.

Warning: If you don't like complaints... DON'T READ THIS ENTRY! You've been warned (so don't complain!).

Stress... frustration... fear... are you familiar with these? I thought I was . But now that I'm on my way to adulthood (against my will) I know what it is to be stressed, frustrated, and afraid. If I'm not worrying about money, then is about studies or my future ("Where do you see yourself in five years?" is a question I'm starting to hate).

First, I lost one of my two jobs (yes... I need two to survive) because they are going to close the Institute (after 30 years). And in my other job they're giving me 5 hours per week! I asked for more and they keep replying "soon". Well, I'm sorry but I need them NOW! I have to save money so I can be in a good position in "five years" and, at the same time, I have to pay for my studies (and trust me when I say they're not cheap). How am I going to pull that off?

Oh, and about my studies... I hate them totally! The Universidad de Puerto Rico, Recinto de Río Piedras was made to throw the students in an abyss of frustration; an endless pit of nonstop struggle between you and the system. I'm almost certain that they do anything in their hands to hold you back in order to get more of your money. I'm grateful that I can study, but I didn't know which path to take and ended up choosing the one everybody said I was good at: teaching. I love teaching! But they just make it ridiculously hard to be a teacher (or have their permission to be one). I've been in a teaching position before and I have done a good job... better than some who have "their permission".

I just want to teach, to play my music, to do my stuff. I worry every single day about my future, and I'm tired of it. And you can add to all this the constant stress that my girlfriend puts on it. Even in front of our friends she has to press the subject (that she wants me to graduate before 2010... that she wants to get married sooner than later, etc.). I love her and I'm making plans for us too. But I'm beginning to get tired of the subject. Let me live my life at my own pace, people!

And all this stress and frustration makes me afraid. Afraid of been a "nobody" in life. Afraid of been unable to keep up. Afraid of disappointment, mine and others. Afraid...

... of losing her...

I´m just bored of everything...

In the past months nothing has changed... or maybe something has changed and I don´t know what it is? Sometimes I feel like everything is the same and that my life needs a little bit of excitement.

I want to do something new... or something old that I haven´t done in a long time. The same routine and the same people (I like you, people-I-know, so don´t take it personally). It just makes me bored. Every morning it´s difficult for me to start the day, getting out of bed and do my everyday activities. There´s something missing...

I am selfish! At least, that´s how I feel when I say or think things like these. I know there are more important things in life than excitement or change. And I know that there is people with more complicated and serious problems. But I needed to express it, so I chose my blog to do it.

The problem is that when I´m feeling like this I start to find defects in everything and everyone. I start to hate my room and my furniture, my work, my university (wait, this one truly is defective), myself, my music, etc. I can say that, in some way, past relationships have ended because of this. It is more easily for me to find defects or to highlight old defects on my girlfriend when I´m like this.

And it angers me that noone around me notice this... noone does anything. And it angers me more the fact that I want someone to care and to do something. It is selfish!

I didn't have work today (Yes, work! That thing that resembles slavery, only that is reduced to less than $6 an hour). The thing that bothers me is that this week I'm working friday... and that's it! Four miserable hours! It's not only that I'm not getting the money I need, is that I have too much free time to spend too. You see... tomorrow I'm not working either... and neither the next day. I don't like that because I feel like I'm useless and no matter what I do on that free time, it is like always there's some left and I don't know how to spend it (Note: For those that don't like to work or don't like where they are working: I'm not bragging).

Today I was talking with a friend about work and money. He was talking about his plans of getting a new car (instead of his old and noisy falling-apart one). I said that I prefered to buy a car that doesn't require me a monthly payment (in fact, someone offered me one this week). This statement may sound naive or even selfish (or impossible), but it's true. Let me explain.

Right now, I'm not having a good time with work (I made it clear above), and I'm not obligated to stay at a place that I don't like or in a company that doesn't respect me as an employee(something call dignity). So, the moment I feel that I must go searching for higher oportunities, I have the freedom to do so. Now, if I have a car to pay (monthly), I'll have to stay no matter how bad they (or the costumers) treat me in order to spend almost my entire paycheck on it. Work is already slavery at $6 an hours! If the situation explained above would come true, then I would become that car's slave also. And my life and my money (and my dignity) would not be mine to control. I'll just have to stay put no matter if a costumer or my boss makes my life impossible.

Maybe I'm just blowing it out of proportion... or I'm just seeing things where there are none... or maybe it's "the sound of inevitability" of the future life that society makes for us. Enslaved by capitalism (work, money, etc.)... and by our cars.

I'm thinking on quiting my job at GameStop. I've been working there for a little more than a year and in this last weeks they had been giving me from just 5 to 10 hours. My last check was just of $52.90! And, on top of it, they've been ignoring my calls since last week. I don't know what's happening there, but I prefer to quit before something else happens (like been fired). I have been giving away resumes like a fupista giving fliers outside the train station of UPR, but receiving no calls has made myself worried. I'll decide what I'll do depending on what happens this week.

Anyway...

I had a great day today. I ate a lot! My girlfriend went to pick me up passed 2 pm at the Musical Institute where I work and we spent the afternoon watching a movie at my house after we made lunch together. I felt so good when we were buying the ingredients because she said that we looked like a poor couple (because we decided to eat cheap [but great] Lipton Pasta). That thought made me smile.
Later on, we went to a friend's so we could have a taste of some dishes he made (his a chef). It was delicious! I couldn't resist and ended up bringing some of it home. He is so good at cooking that he's going to work at a hotel in San Juan (Hurrays for him!).
We finished the day playing Mario Party 7 (it was hilarious) and watching some movies (with some disgusting scenes). My girlfriend and I gave a ride to a friend of us. It was my girlfriend's car, but I was the one driving. We arrived at my house, and we said good night after a brief moment of solitude and silence.

It was a fine day indeed... but sometimes I can't help this feeling that I'm not completely satisfied. Like something's missing. Something that I want... Damn human desires! They made us unhappy, even when we are suposed to be! But, oh well... I'll just have to try to forget about it. I won't make anyone around me worry for such selfish feelings.

Like I said: today was a good day... I hope that tomorrow will be the same.