My Crazy Cow

Yes... I'm alive... still. I know that you know that I'm not an Internet fan, ergo everytime I was online it was so hard to come here and write. Well, at least I did it after all. So... here I am, at it again.

A lot has happened since my last post. I started working at another Music Institute after the first one closed (the school "didn't have funds" so they eliminated the one thing that they considered expendable: music and art). I got tired of GameStop and resigned, but the manager asked me to return for Christmas season. I said yes mainly because of two simple reasons: 1)HE asked me... you know... ignored his pride and asked me. (That felt SOOO GOOOOOOD!) and 2)Employ discount! Specially when I was planning on buying a Nintendo Wii with three games and a second controller. A lot of savings right there. Oh, and by the way, it's a great console.

My semester was a good one. I liked my classes and I aced them all (I think...). I met a lot of great people and made some new friends. Also, this was my first semester as part of the Collegium Musicum, playing the recorder (medieval flute). Today was our last concert of the year and, after a lot of practice everything went smoothly. Now to wait for next year.

Well, changing the subject...

I've been kind of upset lately. A lot to think about. How people see me, how they deal with me, and what they expect of me... Things like this have been around my head this past week. Some people don't respect me while others just ignore me. They see me as a weak person. One thing that got me madder was the fact that a lot of those people had that impression of me and dealt with me like that the very first time we met. They didn't know me! And they didn't care to know me because their bad misconception of me was enough to blur their judgement.

And what about what people expect of me? This Sunday I had a bad day. A friend of mine is going on a... let's say "passing of age ritual". Don't misunderstand me, it's a good thing. It's supposed to be voluntarily. All of my friends went through it all. You can say I'm the only one left, but I'm still thinking about it. The thing is, while we were waiting for him, everyone started asking me when I was going. They put me on the spotlight... everyone was waiting for my answer. I said the truth (still thinking about it). Everyone said that it wasn't something you think about, that you just do it, that it was good for me... blah blah blah... Well, it annoyed me, but I kept it inside. But after the same thing happened every time another person arrived (like five times), it just got on my nerves! The last time they asked, I just said: "I'm NOT gonna do it! I don't wanna go! And it's not your problem!". They are good people, but I just realized that sometimes I do things or say things to please other people (other's opinions matter to much to me), and I stopped doing it at that very moment. I know they felt awkward, but they asked for it.

After that, I started doing what I wanted. After a lousy day I just wanted to see my girlfriend and play Wii. At least those two don't judge me, I thought. But my grilfriend changed my plans and I was mad again. I arrived at her home but didn't go right in. I took a walk to calm myself, watching the neighbor's Christmas lights on their fronts, and then I went in. After minutes of silence (she noticed my straight face), and without she asking me what was wrong, she started reading a book! I was upset already, and that didn't help, but it wasn't something to be mad at her. Minutes went by and nothing changed and I began to question why I was there doing nothing. Then I decided to do what I wanted (no mattered what others think of me [including my girlfriend]). I just opened the door, went to my car, and without saying good bye I was on my way home at last. She thinks I was upset with her, but actually I was upset with myself and others. So I preferred to be alone and "yell/scream/cry it out".

Since then I have said what I think and what I want no matter what others think of me. It's kind of refreshing... but it still hurts.