My Crazy Cow

Wow! I just finished reading my blog and I realized that I had forgotten a lot of things (and that I complain a lot). I also noticed that a lot of the thoughts I have written haven't changed at all since then. So , here I am, ready to "purge my soul" again.

Today, I don't want to talk about work or social issues. Believe me, there's a lot to talk about those, but I just can't take my mind off of some recent events that have transpired. I won't talk about those events either. What then I want to talk about? I want to share my thoughts on those issues. (Alert: Now I start my whines, bwahahahaha)

I feel bad about myself and the things that pop in my mind lately. And by "lately" I mean this last couple of months. I have always known that I don't know what I really want... eerr... okay. I don't know what I want from a relationship, for example. For much of the time I just make my choices depending of what I want at the moment, but that doesn't mean that I'll still want it later. You can compare my "wanting choice" to a pendulum: one day I may want something, and don't even care about it the next. That's a lot of trouble when it comes to choosing a partner, specially if you want one for life. I blame myself for the failure of all my past relationships. It's always the same story: we start oh so in love, we go like that for like a year (more or less), then comes problems, I get tired but she doesn't. So... I break the relationship because I don't feel the same way and she ends wondering what the heck happened ("Everything was ok, what did I do?" is a common question).

Well, lately (I think) the pendulum is about to swing to the other side (if it hasn't already). I've been having problems with my girlfriend (like she doesn't feel loved, or I don't, or we start fighting for simple things, etc.). I start to think that it would be easier for both of us if it was over. But then again, sometimes I feel that I couldn't live without her. Then I start to question either is because I love her or because I'm used to be with her. And then I begin to hate myself for thinking like that. Finally, I end up in a confusion so... confusing?... that I don't really know what to do or what I want.

When our relationship began almost three years ago, I warned her that if for any reason this was going nowhere, it was going to be my fault at the end. Why? Because I know myself. But I also told her that if this relationship ended, then it means that I wasn't made for this, and that hurts me a lot. Why, again? Because, call me old-fashioned if you want, I have always believed on life-long relationships. Since I was a little kid I have always wanted to get married someday. And the fact that I can't stay on a relationship for more than three years is frustrating.

Oh! If you want, you can include here the other issue in my head. The feelings of hate and/or love I have been developing for another person(s) (I'm been non-specific here.) It's eating my insides and doesn't let me sleep. But this, my friend, is for another ocassion.

If you have read all the way down here, I congratulate you for your pacience, and I thank you for "listening". I just hope that you are not going through something similar, and if you do... I hope that all goes well.