My Crazy Cow

Warning: If you don't like complaints... DON'T READ THIS ENTRY! You've been warned (so don't complain!).

Stress... frustration... fear... are you familiar with these? I thought I was . But now that I'm on my way to adulthood (against my will) I know what it is to be stressed, frustrated, and afraid. If I'm not worrying about money, then is about studies or my future ("Where do you see yourself in five years?" is a question I'm starting to hate).

First, I lost one of my two jobs (yes... I need two to survive) because they are going to close the Institute (after 30 years). And in my other job they're giving me 5 hours per week! I asked for more and they keep replying "soon". Well, I'm sorry but I need them NOW! I have to save money so I can be in a good position in "five years" and, at the same time, I have to pay for my studies (and trust me when I say they're not cheap). How am I going to pull that off?

Oh, and about my studies... I hate them totally! The Universidad de Puerto Rico, Recinto de Río Piedras was made to throw the students in an abyss of frustration; an endless pit of nonstop struggle between you and the system. I'm almost certain that they do anything in their hands to hold you back in order to get more of your money. I'm grateful that I can study, but I didn't know which path to take and ended up choosing the one everybody said I was good at: teaching. I love teaching! But they just make it ridiculously hard to be a teacher (or have their permission to be one). I've been in a teaching position before and I have done a good job... better than some who have "their permission".

I just want to teach, to play my music, to do my stuff. I worry every single day about my future, and I'm tired of it. And you can add to all this the constant stress that my girlfriend puts on it. Even in front of our friends she has to press the subject (that she wants me to graduate before 2010... that she wants to get married sooner than later, etc.). I love her and I'm making plans for us too. But I'm beginning to get tired of the subject. Let me live my life at my own pace, people!

And all this stress and frustration makes me afraid. Afraid of been a "nobody" in life. Afraid of been unable to keep up. Afraid of disappointment, mine and others. Afraid...

... of losing her...